In 2004, my husband David and I lost our first born. I carried her nine months and delivered her two days before her due date.
What makes this difficult to get through, is that it could have been prevented. Her death came out of negligence from the mid-wife on duty that night, all the way from the first time I almost miscarried her. Knowing everything that happened trying as many times we could to get them, (the doctors and nurses), to listen to us, makes the days hard.
As a parent and a mother carrying my child, it was my job to protect her and I couldn’t. This is continues to be a daily struggle.
When I told my story to others, I was told so many things, such as, “Well, you’re young, you can have another one.”, “At least you only had her for 8 days before you could develop a deep bond with her.”, “She was a baby, so it’s not like you miscarried her.” Seriously people? My daughter was 8lbs. 13 oz. of pure love. Of course I had a bond with her! Of course I was young, but I wanted HER. I wanted the baby I carried for 9 months!
Five years after her death, I finally reached out for help. I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD and chronic depression. When reaching out for help, I was met with different views from counselors. One told me I just need to “get over it”. Another told me she just didn’t know what to do with me. On my third try, I found a social worker that dealt with PTSD due to grief and traumatic events. She was the one that pin-pointed what I was going through and experiencing.
I also tried my hand at group therapy. It was helpful, but I wanted something more out of it. I didn’t want to come to a group where everyone seemed “stuck”. Not realizing I was also “stuck” on the day everything happened.
There is no word for us. We are not widows or widowers. We are without our child. We are survivors of the horrible event and we are warriors to keep living.
One year and ten days later after my first child passed, I gave birth to my second child, also a daughter. She is the reason I keep going. She is the reason I wanted to start Saving Grace Foundation so I could help others start living again. Not just getting through the day, the week, or the year, but being ok with going on with your life. It’s not easy. It’s hard. It’s hard to look back on any event that took away your child or brother or sister.
How can we help you live again?